What Am I Thinking?


Am I doing the right thing? Lately that question has been rolling through my mind like a tumbleweed in the desert. Constantly passing through and never really lingering long enough for me to figure out the answer. I’ve been having some weird feelings about where my future is heading – actually scrap that, I’ve not had any feelings at all. And that’s the problem. I feel like I should be overjoyed and bouncing off the walls with excitement at becoming a qualified midwife in a couple of months time, but I’m not. I feel so empty now and I don’t know if it’s because I’m worried that I’m not good enough or if I’ve lost interest in the job I’ve longed for, for nearly a decade. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m really wishing it were all over now. That I didn’t have to go back for the last 8-10 weeks and I could just stay at home now. I feel like I’ve been away for so long that it hurts every time I have to leave. It physically pains me to say goodbye to my family knowing that it will probably be months until I see them again. I know I sound like such a moan and I should be grateful that I still get to see my family and there are people much much worse off than me but I’m not them. And they’re not me. And this is how I feel. Empty and sad. You’d think I’d have the mentality to realise it’s only a couple more months and then it’s over completely and I can move back home and spend some proper time with my family and boyfriend. I really hope this feeling passes but I can’t help being such a Debbie downer. It’s been building in me for a while now and I hope this is it at its worst. Otherwise, I’m in for a pretty crappy end to being a student.

Feeling pessimistically hopeful



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