My mum used to host amazing Halloween ‘events’ of sorts. There was one especially terrifying/awesome year where she made a Jeepers Creepers scarecrow and stood it in the front garden. We also ‘chained’ my sisters friend to the swinging chair and he became a possessed demon or something so whenever a child went near him he would lunge for them and speak all demonic. My mum also made big batches of pasta and left them sitting in the water so they went all gooey and congealed and mixed in sweets so the kids had to bob for sweets in the gooey mixture. So gross but soo fun! That was both insanely awesome and horribly nightmarish, but it’s not why I dislike Halloween.
1. Halloween is the one night a year where it’s not only acceptable, but actively encouraged to act like the most convincing serial killer/psychopath ever. So what better day for REAL psychos to find a whole host of victims just wandering around, ripe for the killing? No thanks.
2. Monkey nuts. Whoever decided that is what children most crave can go fuck themselves.
3. If I do get slaughtered and manage to escape my killer’s grasp, no one is going to believe me because it’s Halloween. I’ll probably be arrested for wasting police time.
4. I am terrified of clowns. Not just terrified, utterly petrified to the point that at the age of 21, I will curl in to a ball and rock myself back and forth, tears streaming down my face and screaming for help if one even so much as looks as me. (Read My Biggest Fear).
5. On aforementioned Halloween night, my sisters friend (the possessed) waited for me outside the bathroom to scare the bejeezus out of me and I have not forgiven him.
6. First year in Halls on Halloween, the alarm goes off and I’m forced in to a crowd of potential serial killers to return to my room and have the worst sleep paralysis ever. Then I wake up to see my door was unlocked??
7. I’m actually dressing up this year and giving sweets to the kids but my grandparents just told me they won’t be there as it’s bingo night. They live in the middle of nowhere with no phone signal and just fields for miles. There’s a strong chance I may die.
8. I’m hilarious and that worries me because in every horror movie, the funny one always dies.
9. I am not physically fit enough to run from a killer or even take them on. I may look in the mirror and see the reflection of The Rock but I’m closer to Jabba.
10. On the odd chance that I do survive Halloween, I’ll have to deal with this all over again next year.