I noticed it last week. I was getting out of the shower and drying myself and there they were, staring at me like big purple stripes of shame. I’ve had stretch marks since I hit puberty and my boobs went from nothing to a C cup in a matter of months. I never really looked at my breasts much then so it never really bothered me. The problem started when I began to gain more and more weight without even noticing my increase in dress size from a UK 10 to 18. I currently weigh the heaviest I’ve ever been and every time I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted by myself. I never used to be. I used to feel comfortable in my own skin, even as a ‘plus size’ gal ugh. Now I can’t stop feeling every jiggle of my many chins when I laugh, or my thighs slapping together when I bounce down the stairs. I’m embarrassed – not by my size but by the fact I allowed it to happen in such a short space of time without even paying attention to my lifestyle. I eat crap. Not literally, but I often devour a ‘share’ bag of crisps to myself while watching a movie and then proceeding to eat an overfilled plate of dinner with barely anything colourful and then chugging back a couple cups of tea with a mountain of sugar before bed. It’s disgusting. I’m so ashamed to even be writing this because now I can’t even stand to look at myself, or even feel myself for that matter. When I put my bra on in the morning, I can feel it’s becoming too tight. I usually wear Steven’s shirts to bed and now they’re becoming more fitted than loose. I’m done. For reals this time.
I’ve made this decision so many times in the past and managed to stick to it for a few months, or however long until I returned home to be met with temptation in the form of my mother’s house. A two bedroom flat with food literally falling from the cupboards, over-spilling into the wardrobe in my bedroom. How could I not stuff my face in the middle of the night when the food was literally staring at me from my bed? At uni it was easy. I had the whole kitchen to myself and was in charge of my own food shopping. I just didn’t buy any of the junk. I ate healthy and even joined the gym. I lost 17lbs in 5 weeks and within a week back at home, I managed to gain back 11lbs… Yes, you’re right to be shocked! I was shocked when I went back to uni and weighed myself only to see all my hard work undone in almost an instant. I’ve finally reached the breaking point though, and I’m determined to change.
This time, I’m tackling the beasts head on. I’ve got my food diary to keep track of everything that touches my lips and any temptation I’ve seen. I’m going to cook a healthy and nutritious meal every day and exercise, even if it’s just a long walk with Bandit – I’m going to try and get us out for two walks a day now the weather’s better. I’m only going to eat foods that benefit me nutritionally – so no junk for me. But I won’t punish myself if I do slip up and have a couple crisps from Steven’s bag. I’ll make sure to write it in my food diary and remind myself why I’m doing this. I don’t want to keep feeling the way I am now.
Update: I am now on Day 4 of healthy eating and so far I have only had a handful of cheese Doritos. I’ve made dinner every night and have been trying to cut down on the amount of tea I drink with all that sugar gad. I’ve even found a really yummy and healthier recipe for ranch dressing! I’ve been out with Bandit every day, playing in the garden and out for walks. Steven’s been helping me work out. I booked us in to a hotel for Tuesday night with a voucher I got for my birthday last year) and I’m determined to stick to this. Tuesday will be my 1 week mark and when we go out for dinner I’ll be carefully choosing my meal and will not have nibbles from Steven’s plate or stuff my face with dessert. I’ll be good. I feel good. I hope this continues.
Please send me your best tips for eating healthy. Recipes, groups or tips – I’d love to hear them!